Not exactly what I thought I'd be writing about as my second post but here is it. The Case of the Toxic Ex...
He was the most wonderful, kind-hearted, funniest and gentle person I knew but he was lots of other things aswell. He was dependent on others opinions, childish, selfish and incapable of being a caring partner.
My mental health to him was just an overreaction that needed to be medicated. My breakdowns to him were irrational. My fits of crying for no reason was just stupidity to him.
At the time, I couldn't see that he was a toxic for me. He was my choice of poison, my choice of irrational validation.
Of course at first when the break-up happened I was devastated. I thought to myself that there must be something so wrong with me that the only person who I thought knew me completely would just walk out on me. But then I woke up, literally.
I woke up one night in a strange bed from a manic night terror caused by the medication I was given. My neck was bright red and raw from scratching, I felt like I was suffocating. I was dreaming about having a conversation with him and he just kept telling me that I'm overreacting, so I attempted to hang myself (in my dream). Even in my dreams he was toxic.
That was the moment I came to terms with the fact that I needed to let him go. I needed to let him go and make someone else feel irrational because I knew that if I held on to him my night terror may just become my reality.
Now I am not saying that its his fault, not even in the slightest would that be true but what I am saying is - he was one piece of the puzzle.
When you have a mental illness, it takes over your entire life. Every time someone gives you a look, says something to you or even walks past you in a certain way, you over think it to the point it drives you crazy. I had an instance where a customer slightly raised their voice at me and I just couldn't help but cry when they left the store.
Mental Illness is crippling and ruins a lot of great aspects of your life.
To this day I am so weary of who I give my time to because I no longer want to spend it with someone who will make me feel like I am irrational or that my emotional state is just me overreacting or that I am less of a person because of it.
I choose to have people in my life who will uplift me, stand by me and love me unconditionally.
My past will follow me and will always be reflected in the choices I make because I have learnt that I am more deserving.
If you are reading this and feel like you've been hurt by someone you know; friend, family or partner. You need to understand that you are the one who decides who you have in your life and only you can teach them how to treat you. Cut your ties with bad people, look within yourself and find the strength to move on.
I know there is someone in particular who I hope reads this and to that person I say this.
You need to understand that not everyone is the same. That not every person you meet is doing something hurtful towards you. You need to understand that your past will always be your past but it doesn't have to be your future. There is someone waiting right there for you and that someone will be able to show you exactly what you deserve. Your wounds are deep but they will only heal if you let them. You have the opportunity to experience something beautiful. It'll be scary and you'll be worried but I promise you it'll be worth it.