Church and religion, the two things my friends/family thought I would never get involved in.
In my younger days, I was never made to go to church or learnt to know the love of God, that's just how I was brought up. My spirituality and religious views were and still are my free choice although I look at them very differently now.
The original version of me I was a Baptized Catholic, now the new and improved 2.0 version of me is a happy and proud Born Again Christian. I chose to let God guide me in life and fill me with an undying, unconditional, no strings attached kind of love.
I know some of my friends and family will be reading this in complete shock and I know exactly why...
I am the most logical, rebellious, rough and stubborn person you'll ever lay eyes on and the last person you would ever think to pick up a bible before going to bed each night.
So why? Why did I start going to church? Why do I read the bible each night?
Well basically it all started after a very fulfilling first date with a guy who knew the love of the lord much much much better than I ever did. After a couple of dates he invited me to church... on EASTER SUNDAY! By far the most religious day of the year and I thought, why not?!
So I did it.. I cautiously walked into this beautiful old church that on the inside was all renovated with disco lights and a band!! A band at church?!?!?!
Of course I was feeling out of place and awkward, honestly I thought I might even catch fire as I walked through the door but nope that didn't happen. I just cried... I cried the entire time! So what did I do? I went back the following week and then again and again and again.. Now I can't stop!!!
Don't get me wrong, its not like this is the first time I've ever been to church and I didn't start going because I liked this guy. I started going because I remembered that moment when I was laying on the floor asking the lord to just let me die. I begged him to just let me slip away but fortunately for me, he didn't listen. He had and still has bigger plans for this on-going train wreck.
Now If I rewind the years back, my Sundays were my recovery days. Nursing filthy hangovers, smelling like late night pizza and 2nd hand smoke. Now my Sundays are used to worship the one person in my life who will always forgive me for my wrongs, love me for me and all my flaws.
Each day I now wake with a thank you. I thank him each day for the blessings I receive. I get to wake up each day, living a life that was made especially for me. I get to spend each day knowing I have a purpose and that good things are coming to me.
Now let me go back to the logic, the logic in me says 'How can you read a book written by people from way before your time and believe its words?' 'How can you pick this book up and swallow what it has to day?' 'How can you believe that your god let you try to kill yourself to teach you a lesson?'
Truth is I don't. The logic in me will always question, EVERYTHING!
God has chosen my path but I am the one who controls how I make it to the destination. I chose to live my life very far away from the word of god, I chose to drive my soul to breaking point and I was the one that chose to drink and poison myself but he was the one who decided that he wasn't going to let me go that easily and I can honestly say with every ounce of me... THANK GOD!
I will never be a 'Good' Christian girl. I will always listen to rap music to and from church. I will probably never ever stop swearing. I will most like have inappropriate adult interactions. I will probably still live with my next boyfriend before getting married. I will still go to yoga and hang crystals in my house, But there is one thing I will never do again... I will never forget God or the love that he has for me.
James 1:12 - Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 - We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; stuck down, but not destroyed.
I do not read the bible or go to church because I believe that a polar bear walked on to an ark in the middle of the desert or that it did rain 70 days and 70 nights; I read the bible because I need to know that someone loves me unconditionally. The more that I read the bible and go to church, the more I learn to love myself unconditionally.
I am not an Angel, I am not the perfect Christian girl and I am not holy because I go to church and read the bible but I am loved and guided by something much greater than me.
God is great and my life is good because I am loved.