I kept saying I would do it, so here I am... doing it! But I guess I should really start with why.
For a long time I've suffered from depression and anxiety but I never got help until last year in March. I was seeing a Psychologist nearly once a week but refused to take any antidepressants. I didn't want to be numb and lose sight of my feelings. I was defensive at first but eventually learnt that this is who I am. I came to terms with my emotions and tired to do my best to maintain a holistic approach to my mental health. No pills, no way!
Last year in November I was at my wits end. My boyfriend of two years up and left my miserable self because I became unbearable. I was at a point in my life where I found no purpose or reason to continue on. I felt lost, broken and unwanted. Such negative thoughts left me in alone in a dark, cold room with two bottles of tequila and a box of sleeping pills.
After no sleep, food or water for 5 days, I decided I couldn't keep doing this to myself. I couldn't keep feeling like I was being used and sucked dry from those who were close to me, my job or anyone around me. I was done. Done with the empty friendships, lack of support or understanding and with the painful hurt I carried from my past and its mistakes. So I decided for the first time to do something for myself. I decided that I was going to overdose and make it all go away. Two bottles of premium tequila and eleven mersyndol forte tablets within four hours was how my life nearly ended.
As I laid there, I didn't even feel sick, I felt ready. I felt like I was ready to just let go so I called out "Please dear lord, just let me die". Then he walked in, not Jesus himself but the one who just walked away from me when I needed him the most. He picked me up off the floor and stayed with me until the next morning. The night didn't end the way I wanted or expected it too. I woke up the next day and went to the doctors to get a referral for a Psychiatrist. Why did I attempt to take my life then beg to get it back? Because that was the moment, the moment I realized that I needed help.
For those who know me, know I am stubborn. I was stubborn to the point it became my weakness. My weakness lead me to a hospital bed, forced to be medicated to regulate my feelings. I was stubborn to the point I tortured myself. I thought that If I had a successful relationship and a successful job that my life would be easy, oh how wrong was I?!
My life and my worth was defined by two things that could be taken away from me so when those two things were taken away, I felt as if I had nothing. Reality is I did have nothing because I didn't have me.
I didn't know how to love myself. I didn't know how to love my flaws. I didn't know that I was not alone.
Today, I've been single for six months but have been in a long committed relationship with myself ever since. I've completed my stint of antidepressants and am back to my holistic approach to not only my mental health but my entire well-being. Don't get me wrong, I have my days and oh boy do I have my days! But now I accept them, feel them and move past them.
Its been a long six month for everyone who knows me closely. From the girl who always appeared to be strong and unbreakable to a fragile little girl who sat on her hospital bed silently crying, to now a more understanding, patient and independent self loving woman.
I am not ashamed of the choice I made that night and I never will be. That was the first time I did something for myself and look where it has brought me today. Sorry to those I hurt in the process, it was not my intention because for the first time I was only thinking about me.
Everything will happen for a reason and it's up to you how you read into that reason. Mine will forever be - My 'tough' strength became my weakness and my weakness has now turned into something beautiful.