They say that life is full of ups and downs and lately I've been feeling a little more down then up.
Ive been back to that dark place in my head a couple of times too many. Tears have been shed and moments of regret have been felt.
I don't know what's brought it on or how it even came about but I just can't shake it right now.
Some days I've just cried and some days I can't move but what's different this time is I'm letting myself feel it.
I took the day off today to just sit and be in it. To just feel really shitty and terrible so that tomorrow I can wake up and look at how far I've come.
The very last time I felt like this, I hid myself away from the world and swallowed myself whole. I poisoned myself with pills and alcohol till I was nearly dead.
I guess that's the thing about depression. It lurks around the corner just waiting to strike. Even when I have nothing to feel sad about its still there, waiting.
So what have I done today to make a difference? I woke myself up, drove myself to the doctor and talked about what I've been feeling and she said this to me..
"Look at you Erbhie. I am so proud of you and all of these changes you've made. You've decided that medication is not how you want to move forward and look at how well your doing without it. You're so strong"
And I walked away feeling just that. I walked out of that office knowing that I am strong and that I am bigger than this.
I have made made plenty of mistakes in my life and yeah some of them I'm not proud of but that one night in novemeber taught me more about myself than anything ever before.
I am human, I am going to have bad days. I am going to feel lost, I am going to be lonely But that is not permnant.
My headspace is dark right now and my judgement is clouded but I know that just like the weather, this will pass.